I felt like I was in a large room, slowly walking toward 2 doors on the opposite side of the room. I was pregnant for the 2nd time, and while one door led to having a healthy baby, the other door led to the pain of another miscarriage. I didn’t know which door I would leave through.
So in that season I held onto this analogy of the room with 2 doors: trusting God meant I could be confident that no matter which door I walked through, Jesus would meet me right there at that door.
For a while, I had been circling the issue of what it looks like to trust God. I knew that I needed to trust WHO God is and His unchangeable character, rather than basing my hope only on Him answering my prayers the way I wanted. And part of God’s character is that He promises to never leave us nor forsake us.
But when I walked out the door of miscarriage, I became angry at God, and did not feel any tangible sign of His presence or comfort. I spiraled deeper into depression as I simultaneously blamed God for not meeting me in my pain, while also refusing to talk to Him or listen to the truth spoken to me by loved ones.
After over a month of this, I remember one evening I crumpled to the kitchen floor. And in contrast to my usual screaming at the ceiling, I just choked out in a broken whisper through my tears- “You promised, God. You promised to meet me at this door. But I don’t see you.”
That very night I had a dream that felt like a taste of heaven. I was overlooking a beautiful landscape with the early morning sun reflecting golden in the mist. Around me was the song– “Over all the earth, you reign on high, every mountain stream, every sunset sky.” After carrying so much bitterness and anger, in my dream I was no longer upset at God. I basked in a contented peace and joy, knowing that God always does what is right, and that I could rest in His love instead of having to fight Him.
I woke up the next morning, and knew God had just answered my cry in a very dramatic way. And that was a turning point for me- both with my depression receding, and God slowly re-aligning my heart toward Him.
Looking back from almost a year later, I realize I my expectations were that I would step through a door, and immediately be in the sunshine on the other side. But instead, that door was actually a tunnel… And I can see now that God not only met me at that door, He also walked with me through that dark tunnel, and when I couldn’t walk any further He carried me the rest of the way out.
That is amazing grace, from our God who is faithful, trustworthy, and loves us beyond comprehension.
So what does it look like to trust God? I delighted to find this verse recently:
“They cried out to God during the battle, and He answered their prayer because they trusted in Him.” 1 Chronicles 5:20
Crying out to God when I need help is an act of trust.
I don’t have the perfect words to create a fabulous prayer. But crying? Yep- I can do that. May our crying always be toward the One who hears us. May we turn our tears into an expression of trust.
“But I the Lord will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs.