“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”Psalm 56:8
For those of you who read my last post- Dreading Mother’s Day, you know that I was fighting to choose thankfulness on a holiday that I would rather have avoided altogether…
But on Mother’s Day, I unexpectedly received 3 sets of flowers… one for each of the 3 miscarriages I experienced this past year. I share this story because I’m amazed at the God we serve, who steps in to meet us in our pain and says, “I love you, I care about all that you are going through, and I have not forgotten your pain.”
At church, the Sunday school kids put impatiens flowers into cups to give to their moms. I was helping out with this project, and afterwards my friend gave me 2 boxes of impatiens to take home. … When I had my first miscarriage, I was pregnant with twins.
Then while we were at a friends’ house for lunch, they surprised me with an extravagant bouquet of flowers. … My 2nd miscarriage was by far the hardest and I still carry the most grief from that time.
And later in the afternoon as my husband was standing out in our yard, a stranger drove past in a truck. He slowed to a stop, gave my husband a bottle with a single rose in it, and said, “Here, you should give this to your wife.” (We have no idea who that man is, but we do live in a small town where people are very kind.) … My 3rd miscarriage was a quieter ordeal, since it was fairly early on.
After giving me the rose in the bottle, my husband mused- “You know Julie, today on Mother’s Day, God gave you 3 sets of flowers, for each of the 3 miscarriages we had last year. And the first gift of flowers was even 2 boxes, for when we lost the twins.”
Tears came to my eyes as I felt the wounds in my soul mend little bit more.
“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands. Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.” Isaiah 49:15-16
Looking at the unexpected gifts of flowers, I marveled that not only had I received 3 gifts of flowers, but they also matched the circumstances associated with each of my miscarriages. On a day that I felt I could not celebrate being a mother, God showed up and so tenderly acknowledged my personal pain and loss.
But it’s that extravagant bouquet that really makes me choke up. Because it is almost as if, through that gift, God is saying, “I know how hard it has been, and still is, for you to lose Keturah in your 2nd miscarriage. So I’m giving you a bigger bouquet to let you know that I understand that the depth of pain you carry from that is greater than the others.”
I don’t know why God has chosen this road for me to walk. For those of you who have been praying for me- thankyou. Throughout this past year, it has been difficult to see God’s Love and tender care through my tears. And often I have felt like God was hiding or ignoring me.
But Mother’s Day this year has been healing to my soul. I have seen that even in the dark seasons when we don’t see God, He is still watching us closely, knows the details of our lives, remembers our losses, and cares immensely for us.
Dear reader, God remembers and God cares about the pain you’ve experienced. He has a purpose and a plan in all of these things, and He understands how excruciatingly hard it is to walk through grief and loss. And He offers to help us in each moment. So as we take each next breath, may we cling to Jesus and ask Him to remind us tangibly again of His Love.
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-2