I did it all right. Prayed. Memorized Bible Verses. Ate super healthy veggies. And, of course, I told God all those Bible verses that promise blessing in return for obedience.
This time, things were gonna work out.
You see, it had been a few months since my first miscarriage. And now I was thrilled to find myself pregnant again… actually terrified is a better description.
Staring at the dark screen on the ultrasound machine in my doctors office a few weeks later, I felt my world slowly crumbling with the news that I would have another miscarriage. BUT I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!?
It didn’t help that I knew all the Bible verses that remind us that God is not a vending machine, and how pretty much every single person in the Bible who followed God experienced heartache and pain.
But knowing it in my brain didn’t help my heart.
Want to know what did help my heart?
The tears in the eyes of people I shared my grief with.
And also Psalm 44. Let me share it with you:
17 ”All this has happened though we have not forgotten you. …
19 Yet you have crushed us in the jackal’s desert home.
You have covered us with darkness and death. …
22 But for your sake we are killed every day;
we are being slaughtered like sheep. …
24 Why do you [God] look the other way?
Why do you ignore our suffering and oppression?” Psalm 44:17,19,22,24
I’m encouraged that I’m not alone in my frustration when other people in the Bible have felt these same emotions and expressed them.
But want to know something that helped my heart even more? Reading this passage in Romans 8 that quotes from Psalm 44…
“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.” Romans 8:35-37
Jesus understands what it’s like to cry at the silent sky- “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Can the pain of 3 miscarriages, when it feels like God is looking the other way, separate me from God’s Love? What about the questions that I don’t have answers to yet? What about the heart shattering loss you have experienced?
…Never. When I forget, and think these things will separate me from God’s Love, I look to Jesus whose life whispers to me that His Love for me goes far deeper than my pain and questions. He experienced pain and suffering when he walked this earth. And He died for me, to ransom my soul from eternal separation from God. And it gives me comfort to remember that Jesus understands what it’s like to cry at the silent sky- “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46)